Out of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men's Lives

Out of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men’s Lives is a 2019 memoir and historical analysis by American clinical psychologist Walt Odets. Drawing from more than a decade of experience working with gay men, extending through the worst years of the AIDS epidemic, Odets provides a vivid account of the hatred, stigmatization, oppression, and other social challenges gay men faced even as the gay community was shell-shocked from the disease. Odets connects the AIDS epidemic to his present year, 2019, arguing against popular claims that gay men have achieved social liberation. Though he acknowledges the strides American society has made on LGBTQ+ rights, he argues that very few concrete changes have been made to American policy; the marginalization of gay men is still the norm. The book has drawn both high praise and sharp criticism, reflecting the divided perspectives that members of the LGBTQ+ community hold on civil rights progress.

Walt Odets’s experience working with gay men began in San Francisco in the 1980s. As a clinical psychologist, he provided therapy for men dealing with the shame, stigma, and trauma of the AIDS crisis and of broader issues of identity. By 1989, more than 90,000 gay men had died of AIDS, including many of Odets’s patients. Rather than revisit the 1980s at length, Odets shifts his subject to the present day. Three decades after the peak of the crisis, Odets acknowledges that his clients now live in a significantly different world. They can legally marry and can have sex without the constant fear of death. With his early (though short-lived) victories in the Democratic primary elections, Pete Buttigieg emerged in 2020 as the most successful openly LGBTQ+ contender for the presidency in American history. Odets observes that most gay men, especially white gay men, feel little explicit oppression.

Yet, Odets argues, there is a pernicious side to the social realities of gay identity that has only evolved over time. He contends that most gay men remain overwhelmed with shame, which they now repress vigorously, affirming the narrative of social progress and the eradication of homophobia. This repressed shame compromises their well-being; it is observable in certain popular assumptions and archetypes about gay (mostly white) men, including that they are pathologically happy, fit, successful, and productive. These expectations of gay identity, in Odets’s view, can prevent gay men from living their fullest, truest lives. He also acknowledges the wake of the AIDS crisis, which still infects about 40,000 people each year. Odets traces much of the persistent shame gay men feel to their families and communities, asserting that not one gay man in America has not sometimes felt afraid to present as gay in public, whether through romantic gestures or other forms of authentic self-expression that they feel could invite scorn or violence. He also condemns ways of envisioning LGBTQ+ equality that are predicated on heterosexual models. This form of gay “acceptance,” he believes, is not acceptance at all; rather, it is a profound source of hopelessness for gay men who feel completely sublimated into an identity politic that is not their own.



Odets closes his book with an invitation to gay men to acknowledge and address their shame. Only then, he argues, can gay men start to build “authentic self-acceptance.” He encourages gay men to look outward from conventional gay communities, which too often foster unproductive division. He includes some observations on modern dating, including the isolation associated with dating and hookup apps. He concludes with an optimistic take on the future of gay men’s greater self-awareness and flourishing.