While the Gottmans have worked with couples from every demographic, the common denominator in everyone they encounter is that we all want to be appreciated, acknowledged, and “seen” for the positive contributions we make (41).

While relationship scientists used to think that unhappiness in couples arose from partners not being kind to one another, Elizabeth Robinson and Gail Price’s 1980 study showed that happily married couples do not necessarily do more kind things for one another but are better at acknowledging and appreciating each other’s considerate gestures.

Unfortunately, given the negativity bias humans have developed as part of an evolutionary survival strategy, our default is to troubleshoot problems rather than acknowledge the positive. In relationships, this means that we tend to view our partners and their actions through a disproportionately negative lens. Thus, we often approach them in a critical way, by either seeking to control their actions or getting sulky when they do not automatically anticipate our needs. However, relationship health depends upon giving equal weight to our partners’ good actions. For example, the simple act of saying “thank you” can be revolutionary, completely changing the dynamic of a relationship. If our default settings are negative, we might employ mindfulness meditation techniques to ensure that we are concentrating on the present moment.